All By Myself

Throughout these posts, I have struggled to keep it clear that I have many supporters who give me the room to do the work that is before me. This has a dual effect on me. It frees me to get going, and it frightens me to death.

It sounds so cowardly to admit this last point. Yet, something deep inside tells me that the only way over cowardliness is to confront it. It’s that that meets me in the watches of the night as I enumerate the things that I must accomplish. They must be done, and by me. No one can take my place. I must plan and go forward. It’s then that the questions that buzz around my life become clear. For instance, have I been inactive long enough to lose the skills and vision I once had? Will I be forced to admit failure and give up? Am I really just a sick old man who is finally descending into the last stages of his life? \Can I even answer these questions, or am I doomed to finally letting go of the string?

The answer to all these questions is “no.” Where does this “no” abide? Its life exists in today. After all, I only get this life one day at a time. My skills only show themselves when I use them each time. Any success I achieve will happen as it appears. I don’t get everything all at once, just little by little. I cannot know my end. I had a doctor friend who once told me that when he had to tell someone that they had a terminal disease, they would invariably ask, “How long do I have?” He said that it was then that he had to say, “I don’t know. That’s in someone else’s hands.” Life is more than numbers whether they be statistics or age or whatever. I have as much time and ability as I have and use; no more and no less. I am all by myself, but it is in life.